Change is Not a Dirty Word--I think...

So, I made jam yesterday.  Only 2 batches: 1 raspberry, 1 strawberry.  The thing is:  I'm diabetic.  Why would I do this to myself?  I can't eat it.  Sure I have a teenager in the house still, who would be happy to finish it off for me.  But is that really healthy for her?  Why am I doing this?

A friend asked me the other day if I was afraid to like myself.  It took me back.  What a question!  But its also caused me to think all weekend.  Maybe I am.  Maybe I'm so comfortable in my rut of feeling like I'm not capable, worthy, or whatever to be a likeable person, that I can't or won't change.  I mean really, change can be scary.  What would happen if I really learned to love myself?  Oh, no!  I might enjoy myself!  I might even enjoy doing housework and all those other things that I generally avoid!  We can't be having that!  People enjoying life; whoever heard of such a thing?

Now, how to change?  There's the 64,000 dollar question.  For some reason, I always want changes to be sudden.  Cold turkey.  Today, I'm a fat lazy slob and tomorrow I'm supermom.  I've never really beleived that small changes can make a big difference.  The same friend has been trying to convince me that it is not so.  She did get me to change my breakfast from whatever I could get out of the vending machine at work to fruit and yogurt.  And, its made a difference.  I feel full in the morning.  I can put it in a container at night and take it to work with me.  Now, I'm getting a good breakfast every morning.  So maybe she's right about the rest of it too.  What little changes can I make to start me down the healthy path? 

When I get home from work, I generally change into my pajamas, fix dinner, and relax the rest of the evening.  It occurs to me that this might be part of the problem.  Once I'm in my pajamas, I'm not going anywhere, or doing anything, except perhaps reading or computing.  So, here's change number one: change into sweats and t-shirt instead and PUT ON YOUR SNEAKERS!  This will put me in comfortable clothes, but ones I can go out in if necessary.  And the shoes, since they are Sketchers Shape-Ups, will keep my feet from hurting and help me keep the energy up through the night.  That may be a little bit of a challenge because I hate wearing shoes in the house--my feet get so hot and sweaty and uncomfortable.  But maybe I can learn to live with it.  Maybe a little Odor-Eaters powder will help?  Well, we'll try it. 

And the other change I think I need to make:  Make the next batch of jam with Splenda. I got carried away when I was shopping for fresh berries at Costco yesterday.  After making my two batches of jam, I still had enough berries for the following:

1 batch of Strawberry-Cherry Jam
2 batches of Triple Berry Jam
1 Batch of Strawberry Vanilla Jam (a recipe I found on the internet that I'm dying to try)
and at least 1 more batch of Strawberry jam, that I may turn into Strawberry Pineapple; another recipe we found on the internet.  After we made the two batches, I was so exhausted and my back hurt so much, I knew we had to find a better way.  So we sat down and prepared all of the fruit (mashing, pitting, etc.) and put them in freezer bags.  I plan to take at least one bag out each week until I get them all bottled.  Only THIS time, I'm going to do it with the no-added-sugar pectin and Splenda.  I'l let you know how it turns out!

I'm reading a very interesting book right now, called The Power of Full Engagement.  I'm not in very far, about 5 chapters I'd say.  The main premise is that our lives are made up of 4 basic "pillars" if you will:  Physical, Mental, Emotional and Spiritual, and that we need to feed all four areas.  (reminiscent of Steven Covey, yes?)  If any of these four areas is neglected, the whole person suffers.  This tends to bring on detachment and illness, both spiritual and physical.  Things like depression, diabetes, gastric issues, even death.  As I said, I'm not in very far, but enough to know that this is what has been ailing me all these years.  I've let my physical and spiritual lives go just trying to keep our heads above water financially ever since the divorce.

Its time to become a whole person again.  I'll keep you posted.

Mission Statement?

Ok, I'm not really a housewife, not anymore anyway.  I'm a single, working mom, who like a lot of other moms, single or not, can't keep up.  I've been so depressed the last few years that I haven't really cared about anything and the place looks it.  My house looks like Dorothy's tornado ripped right through it.  My life is in shambles.  However, thanks to my doctor and an alert friend, things are getting better.  I've started to realize that I don't have to be perfect, although I have to admit that this is a hard one to let go of. 

My plan for this blog is to chronicle my journey back to happiness.  I'm not sure if I will open it to outsider yet; I don't want my posts to be colored by how other people might view it.  But I do want to get things written down.  Being able to just dump the thoughts out of my head is not only a relief, but helps me see how I really feel and think about things.

So, off we go; lets see where this journey takes us.